I have been unsure whether to just write the happy stuff, or the whole truth, or maybe just a portion of the truth. I am still unsure what to write. It seems most adoption blogs only have happy, beautiful posts, so it makes me wonder what is really wrong with me. Maybe it just depends on the day that people write stuff. Or maybe it is like how I write in the kid's journals. I keep a journal for each of the children, but decided that I would only write the good things and never the hard or frustrating things. I definitely don't want them to read something I wrote on a very frustrating day and think I just didn't want them or that they were a hard child.
Anyway, to be completely honest, this is very hard. I believe it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But to be even more honest, parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. There are many completely exhausting and frustrating days with the children that I have to remind myself that I indeed chose this life and that this is what I have always wanted. And then there are those days that I absolutely love every minute of the day. So, did the hard days only start when Kaylee became part of our family? No, but in all honesty, things are just harder with her than they were with the other two. I don't completely know why, but I have theories as to why.
Anyway, all that to say, things get better and then they get worse, and then they get better. Last week, up until yesterday, things were extremely hard. I think Kaylee took a huge step back. But today, she has been amazing. I only wish that I knew why and could re-create to make it always easy. It definitely gives me hope for the future.
I still think she is the smartest little girl, yesterday she signed outside all on her own. I was so excited. And she said "Da" and reached up to Josh.
So, now she can sign "eat","more","drink","outside", the one sign I know she knows but won't do is "all-done", she just doesn't want to be done eating, so she won't sign it :), we are trying to sign it at other times too.
We have been working on her walking between furniture and she can now take 5 steps. The way I motivate her to walk is by putting a piece of food on the couch and having her walk from the ottoman to the couch, yesterday she actually by-passed the food to walk to me. This is Huge! And if she falls down and I know it must have hurt, she never cries, she actually kind of laughs, but yesterday when I picked her up, kissed and hugged her and said "oh you poor baby", she actually wanted that over the food.
She knows who we are and is starting to prefer me over others. If someone else is holding her, she will reach towards me. Except with my mom :). We are working on attaching even more, because she still will go with anyone who smiles at her.
She loves her swing, I kind of think that is why she signs outside. At first, she hated it, now I think it is one of her favorite things to do.
She also lets us throw her up in the air and laughs, she hated this at first. I think she is trusting us more.
She loves the big pool now, still not the kiddy pool though. And now that she is becoming more attached to us, she prefers to be in our arms than in a floatie.
This absolutely drives me crazy, but she will crawl to her chair and stand up and scream until I get her or feed her. It drives me crazy, because one day I decided to see how long she would do it and if she would stop and come to me on her own when I called her, she did not. :) But, it just shows me how smart she is and how fast she picks things up.
She is starting to play with toys, but still prefers to bang the toy rather than playing with it, but it IS a start.
She is learning to use a spoon, but still won't do it on her own. But, it is progress because she doesn't cry now when I put it in her hand. She will put the food in her mouth, but then hold the spoon straight up in the air until I put food on it.
She is starting to love Malika as much as Malika loves her. She will now laugh and smile at her instead of screaming at her. Last night, Malika and Justus were running around laughing and Kaylee would not take her eyes off of them and would turn her head when they passed her.
Kaylee moans alot now, it is more of a zoning out. She will pick up anything tiny and stare at it and play with it and just moan. She would probably do this much of the day, except I try to stop her and re-direct her. This is one of the orphanage behaviors she has. It actually seems worse than before.
Yesterday, I was thinking about her life at the orphanage. I am sad for the life that she was given, that no one was there to care for her or love on her. I am sad that she spent the first 3 months of her life in the hospital with no one to love her or adore her. I am sad that she did not have someones eyes to stare into. I want to make up for all that. I want her to know she is treasured and loved now. On the days that I am frustrated, I don't want her to know the frustration, I only want her to know the love and peace of being in a family.
Malika and Justus are doing well too. Justus is starting to like Kaylee again and he is even giving her hugs and kisses now. He is starting to share with her, but only if he is told to. If I see him being rough with her, I say be gentle, so he will rub her head, it is too cute. Malika, of course, adores her and loves her as always, she will go up to her and laugh in her face and talk baby talk to her just to get her to smile and laugh.
Here are some pictures of the kids:
Malika loving on Kaylee
The sweetest picture of Kaylee, this is the picture we are using for her American passport.
Malika and Justus in the sprinkler, wearing floaties, just in case they thought they would drown :) (yes, Lindsay, those are your floaties, we thought since we accidentally borrowed them, we should put them to use)
Kaylee finding a leaf, then putting it in her mouth.
I couldn't refuse this picture, even though she is crying, she is just too cute. This was after I took the leaf out of her mouth.
Reaching out to me when I called her name.
Malika and Justus driving a car. Malika is pretending the thing she is holding is her stick shift and the hangars are the steering wheels.
Playing in the puddles after it rained
Kaylee sitting on her car outside.
This is from today. I put Kaylee down for a minute to get my camera to upload pictures and this is how I found them when I got back. Justus was patting Kaylee, saying "Kay-ee" over and over.