Random things about Kaylee

I have debated many times whether I should write anything else on here. Well, actually I did write a really long post, it's still there, I just never posted it.

I have been unsure whether to just write the happy stuff, or the whole truth, or maybe just a portion of the truth. I am still unsure what to write. It seems most adoption blogs only have happy, beautiful posts, so it makes me wonder what is really wrong with me. Maybe it just depends on the day that people write stuff. Or maybe it is like how I write in the kid's journals. I keep a journal for each of the children, but decided that I would only write the good things and never the hard or frustrating things. I definitely don't want them to read something I wrote on a very frustrating day and think I just didn't want them or that they were a hard child.

Anyway, to be completely honest, this is very hard. I believe it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But to be even more honest, parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. There are many completely exhausting and frustrating days with the children that I have to remind myself that I indeed chose this life and that this is what I have always wanted. And then there are those days that I absolutely love every minute of the day. So, did the hard days only start when Kaylee became part of our family? No, but in all honesty, things are just harder with her than they were with the other two. I don't completely know why, but I have theories as to why.

Anyway, all that to say, things get better and then they get worse, and then they get better. Last week, up until yesterday, things were extremely hard. I think Kaylee took a huge step back. But today, she has been amazing. I only wish that I knew why and could re-create to make it always easy. It definitely gives me hope for the future.

I still think she is the smartest little girl, yesterday she signed outside all on her own. I was so excited. And she said "Da" and reached up to Josh.

So, now she can sign "eat","more","drink","outside", the one sign I know she knows but won't do is "all-done", she just doesn't want to be done eating, so she won't sign it :), we are trying to sign it at other times too.

We have been working on her walking between furniture and she can now take 5 steps. The way I motivate her to walk is by putting a piece of food on the couch and having her walk from the ottoman to the couch, yesterday she actually by-passed the food to walk to me. This is Huge! And if she falls down and I know it must have hurt, she never cries, she actually kind of laughs, but yesterday when I picked her up, kissed and hugged her and said "oh you poor baby", she actually wanted that over the food.

She knows who we are and is starting to prefer me over others. If someone else is holding her, she will reach towards me. Except with my mom :). We are working on attaching even more, because she still will go with anyone who smiles at her.

She loves her swing, I kind of think that is why she signs outside. At first, she hated it, now I think it is one of her favorite things to do.

She also lets us throw her up in the air and laughs, she hated this at first. I think she is trusting us more.

She loves the big pool now, still not the kiddy pool though. And now that she is becoming more attached to us, she prefers to be in our arms than in a floatie.

This absolutely drives me crazy, but she will crawl to her chair and stand up and scream until I get her or feed her. It drives me crazy, because one day I decided to see how long she would do it and if she would stop and come to me on her own when I called her, she did not. :) But, it just shows me how smart she is and how fast she picks things up.

She is starting to play with toys, but still prefers to bang the toy rather than playing with it, but it IS a start.

She is learning to use a spoon, but still won't do it on her own. But, it is progress because she doesn't cry now when I put it in her hand. She will put the food in her mouth, but then hold the spoon straight up in the air until I put food on it.

She is starting to love Malika as much as Malika loves her. She will now laugh and smile at her instead of screaming at her. Last night, Malika and Justus were running around laughing and Kaylee would not take her eyes off of them and would turn her head when they passed her.

Kaylee moans alot now, it is more of a zoning out. She will pick up anything tiny and stare at it and play with it and just moan. She would probably do this much of the day, except I try to stop her and re-direct her. This is one of the orphanage behaviors she has. It actually seems worse than before.

Yesterday, I was thinking about her life at the orphanage. I am sad for the life that she was given, that no one was there to care for her or love on her. I am sad that she spent the first 3 months of her life in the hospital with no one to love her or adore her. I am sad that she did not have someones eyes to stare into. I want to make up for all that. I want her to know she is treasured and loved now. On the days that I am frustrated, I don't want her to know the frustration, I only want her to know the love and peace of being in a family.

Malika and Justus are doing well too. Justus is starting to like Kaylee again and he is even giving her hugs and kisses now. He is starting to share with her, but only if he is told to. If I see him being rough with her, I say be gentle, so he will rub her head, it is too cute. Malika, of course, adores her and loves her as always, she will go up to her and laugh in her face and talk baby talk to her just to get her to smile and laugh.

 Here are some pictures of the kids:

Malika loving on Kaylee

 The sweetest picture of Kaylee, this is the picture we are using for her American passport. 

Malika and Justus in the sprinkler, wearing floaties, just in case they thought they would drown :) (yes, Lindsay, those are your floaties, we thought since we accidentally borrowed them, we should put them to use)

Kaylee finding a leaf, then putting it in her mouth.

 I couldn't refuse this picture, even though she is crying, she is just too cute. This was after I took the leaf out of her mouth.

 Reaching out to me when I called her name.

 Malika and Justus driving a car. Malika is pretending the thing she is holding is her stick shift and the hangars are the steering wheels.

 Playing in the puddles after it rained

 Kaylee sitting on her car outside. 

 This is from today. I put Kaylee down for a minute to get my camera to upload pictures and this is how I found them when I got back. Justus was patting Kaylee, saying "Kay-ee" over and over. 

Leaving this blog

I am not going to continue writing on this blog, except an occasional update.  I know, I hate it when I read an adoption blog all the way through the adoption and then they drop off and never write again once coming home, so I'm sorry to be doing that too. I really have enjoyed writing on here and hate to leave, but I'm just not liking the idea of putting my thoughts and life out there for people to read and critique and to take it differently than I meant.

I have updated this blog and will keep it up to for other adoptive families to read and learn from. I hope to be starting a private family blog when I can come up with a name :)

Kaylee is doing great. She is so sweet and happy and snuggly. She does not scream as much anymore. She seems to be learning what we mean when we say "no scream". She is doing new things like, finding a crumb or piece of dirt on the floor and bending over until she is literally touching it, then she moans to it. It really is cute, but if I don't stop her, she would continue to do it.

She is signing more all on her own and usually at the right times :), but I think she may have confused it with eat, because she signs it when she wants to eat. She does more of a clap and does it so excitedly, probably she got that because I was so excited when she started doing it. We are working on the signs for eat and drink. She gets eat, but doesn't do it on her own and I'm not sure she understands it yet.

We are having some issues with eating. She cries at the top of her lungs if I walk away during meal times, even if I just gave her a spoonful of food. I am hoping she will figure it out that I will come back, unless I sign and say "all done".  She doesn't want to use a spoon, but we are still working on it. I try to use a spoon and hold it in her hand for the first few bites, then either let her pick up her food with her hands or feed it to her. She prefers to have her hands in the air while eating, of course that way, the food usually ends up behind her :)

Kaylee absolutely loves food and gets so excited about it. She loves it so much, she tries to eat everything. I take leaves and mulch out of her mouth constantly. Yesterday, she even found the cat food. I told Josh and he said "she is taking after her brother". I have joked about sending cat food to college with Justus, because even now at almost 2, if he finds it, he will eat it and say "mmmm", yuck! So, she pretty much fits into our family :)

We went to visit the Haglers for Memorial Day. We took the kids swimming and Kaylee did not enjoy the water, we figured out it was because of it being cold, because she loves our big pool at home (which is warmer) and the bath.  All the other kids loved the water so much, it was a little scary as a parent to try to corral so many children who can not swim, but we had fun.

Here are our 7 kids, 3 from Ukraine

I have been trying to teach Kaylee to play. I have heard that other children adopted from orphanages don't know how to play. I did not understand that fully until bringing Kaylee home. Her idea of playing is to hit herself in the head with a toy.  

I have been working on playing and being sweet with a baby doll. She is getting it, when I put a baby in her arms and say "oh sweet baby", she gets a huge smile on her face, but as soon as I take my hands away, she will drop or throw the baby. I'm sure in another 6 months she will be a different child.

Really??

I just read a comment on my blog, which I deleted and it has made me really upset.

Whoever you are that wrote it and for any other people who read this, know one thing, I love Kaylee, and I love children. And never would I only adopt a "normal" child or think that any other child deserves to stay in an orphanage. That is not what I think and that is not what I meant about Kaylee being so smart.

I only was writing what was in my heart, that is what a blog is for, right? Or do you just want only the happy and pretty stuff?

I do carry Kaylee wherever I go, I put her in a sling, I try to keep her with me, I take her from room to room with me, so don't even judge me for leaving her or being sad that she acts like a baby. I am not sad that she acts like a baby, sometimes she does act more like a baby and sometimes she acts like a two year old. I wouldn't trade her at all, yes, sometimes it is hard, but no I do not expect her to be anything other than who she is, EVER. I will always love her as she is.

We are dealing with screaming issues with her, and it has nothing to do with me leaving her or that she doesn't know I am coming back, because she can be next to me and see me and still does it. But, do I expect her to always be that way, no I don't. But, still it is best for me to speak the truth on here rather than just paint a happy pretty picture if things are not.

As for her having Down Syndrome, I do not and will not treat her any different than my other children, yes, she may learn slower and differently, but if I treat her differently, then that will be her disability, not Down Syndrome, so please don't judge me saying that she is not the child I should have adopted.

So, please, if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything. If you want to ask me a question, then please ask.