So grateful

As hard as life is right now, with all the craziness and chaos at times, I am so grateful. I love having four children. This morning, I may or may not have said that. I was trying to make lunch, while holding the baby. Justus pooped in his pants, so I laid the baby down. I took Justus to the potty, heard the baby cry. Told Justus to stay on the potty, ran to the baby. Kaylee had fallen on the baby with a huge hard plastic toy. So, I consoled the baby, took the chicken out of the oven before it burned. Then went back to Justus, who WAS still on the potty, but had scooted all around the potty and smeared poop everywhere. So, yeah, I may not have said that this morning, ha ha. BUT, I am grateful that God must have seen way more in me than I see to trust me with each of these little ones. I love them all so much. I love to watch them run around playing with each other. 

Here are a few pictures from the last month.

The kids with their cards from my Grandma. They were so happy to have them. Justus carried his around for two days and called it his "book".

 Malika decorating her gingerbread house. It has been our tradition since Malika was a baby to invite our friends over to make gingerbread houses with us. 

 Our family with our gingerbread houses. They had so much fun making them, but mostly eating all the candy.

All the kids that made gingerbread houses.

 Kaylee LOVES the bird. When she hears the him she goes crazy, and recently has started requesting to hold the him. She looks so happy to hold him here, although, I'm not sure she really likes it. Yet, she always holds her arm out for us to put him on it.

 So excited! Kaylee actually loves any animal and when she sees one, she starts screaming.

 It was so nice to have Kaylee here this Christmas. I went back and read what I wrote last Christmas and it seems like a lifetime ago. It's hard to believe that was just a year ago. So much has happened in just a year.

This was Christmas Eve, the kids got to open their stockings. I found this little container to put snacks in for Kaylee while we are in the car. It was too funny at first, she knew there was food in it, but couldn't figure out how to get it out.

 But, then Big Sister showed her.

 Our other little one celebrating his first Christmas. Oh how blessed we are to have two new little people this year.

 Justus got some new soap in his stocking. I took this picture for daddy, because he thinks it is so funny when Justus smells something. Yes, he is smelling it and no, he doesn't think it smells bad.

 The kids got new pencils and paper. They went right to work coloring on all the papers. They loved it. Oh the simplicity of life with children. This was Christmas Eve though, so, after the next day, no more simplicity. Two days after Christmas, Justus said he wanted to open more presents. We didn't go crazy getting gifts for them either, but after grandparents, they had quite a bit.

 Kaylee at the counter getting ready to help make the birthday cake for Jesus.

 Our birthday cake for Jesus. Malika asked again this year if Jesus was going to be there and eat the cake. 

 I thought I took a lot of pictures on Christmas day, but this was the only one of the kids opening presents, oops!

 Kaylee's first Christmas pictures. Well, at least her first Christmas with a family. The orphanage gave us some pictures of her in front of a Christmas tree, so they must have celebrated Christmas with the kids.

I came out one night to this...

 Justus and Kaylee. Justus has been potty training for a week now. It was so rough at first, but going so much better now. So glad I didn't give up.

 Justus and Seth. This is how they were this morning when I walked back into the bedroom. Justus decided he needed to wake Seth up, then he somehow propped him up on this pillow.

Malika loves Seth so much, she is always asking to hold him, she would prefer it if I let her hold him standing up, but he is just getting so big now.

The perfect gift

Last year for Christmas one adoptive mom started a new tradition by putting money in an envelope and putting it in their stockings. The money was for each person to pick a child off the angel tree from Reeces Rainbow and send the money to go into that child's account. So, on Christmas morning when they found their envelope, they would go to the computer and pick out their child, put that child's name on it and then put it in the mailbox.

I love this idea so much, that we will also be doing it this year.

It seems others liked it as well, and they have started a new thing called Angel Tree dollars.

Please go check out Julia's blog post about this and consider doing this with your family as well. The more money in each child's account, the easier it will be for that child to be adopted. So many people want to adopt or have thought about it, but don't go through with it because of the cost. If we can raise the money for them, then so many more children will have homes and can celebrate their first Christmas next year!

Go check it out for yourself. These aren't just faces, they are children. Children who are waiting for a Mommy and a Daddy, waiting for someone to care, someone to love. Some are suffering as they wait.

Don't turn your head the other way





They need someone to care. These are just a few of the many children that are still waiting.

"Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act" Proverbs 24:12

Kaylee's eyes

When we took Kaylee to the Eye Doctor, we realized how bad her eyes really were. We knew that she couldn't see well, we just weren't sure how bad they were.

She has several things wrong with her eyes, and from what I have read about them, they are all connected. She has nystagmus, albinism, and severe astigmatism. The nystagmus causes her eyes to vibrate back and forth. She tips her head back to look at something, at first I thought it was muscle control. The Eye Doctor said it has to do with the nystagmus and it is a good thing, because she has found her null point. My understanding is that this is where her eyes stay still so she can see. The albinism, we believe is just in her eyes, though we haven't tested to know for sure. Ocular albinism is when there isn't enough pigment in the eyes.

The Eye Doctor prescribed glasses to see if they will help.

So, we set out to find the most attractive and stylish glasses least destructible glasses. And here they are (see the baby on the floor in the background? It is a real baby :), I put him down for a minute to do something and he slept for an hour!)

I'm not sure if she really can see better out of them though. From what I've been reading, glasses may not help her condition. The Doctor wasn't entirely sure, either. So, we will try them for awhile.

In this picture, do you see how Kaylee is tilting her head back? She is looking at the cookie. (Justus looks like he might jump across the table to get to the cookie). This is how Kaylee usually tips her head back.

But, with the glasses, she tips her head even further. It looks as though she is trying to look under them, but I don't think so. The strangest thing, she also opens her mouth very wide while wearing them.

In this one, to get her to not tilt her head down, I snapped my fingers near the ground. See, she isn't looking at the camera.

Oh, there you are.

Ok, so I wanted to see if she still did it with the glasses off. No, she doesn't. This is probably one of the cutest pictures I have of her. Look at her poor face, she has been falling so much lately. That is another thing that is worrying me.

5 months

Kaylee has been part of our family for 5 months now. To say that these past 5 months have been hard, would be an understatement. It has been a rollercoaster, lots of ups and downs. We had many, many hard days in the beginning, then just hard moments, back to full on hard days. Then we finally got to the place of "yes, we can make it" rather than "please, God, help me make it, because I can't do this". Then all that came tumbling down when the baby was born. Thankfully, it did not take long to get back to where we were, but those first couple of weeks were sooo difficult. 

I think because of the many hard times, I have not wanted to write on my blog. I didn't want to just put up a bunch of cute pictures with empty words and I definitely did not want to put it all out there, how hard this really was. I wanted to have it all together.  I didn't want to look like a failure, I wanted to be like the many other adoptive parents and just completely fall in love with my child. I so wanted that love, but it wasn't there. Some days, I tried so hard. Other days, I failed miserably and did not even try, but cried instead.

I never once dreamed this would be me. I thought that I could love anyone. I didn't expect it to be so hard. When we went through our homestudy, our social worker asked so many questions about loving a child that was not biologically ours, my answers were all the right ones. Of course, I would love any child. It has always been easy for me to love the "least of these", my whole life, I "mothered" anything I could possibly get my hands on. So, why would this be any different. 

I'm sure we will still have difficult days, but last week, I had a major breakthrough. I don't know how or why, but it just happened. I was at home with just Kaylee and the baby. And I played and spent time with just her. Strange, it just happened like that, I can't even explain it. I love her. I am so glad she is here with us. 

Kaylee has changed tremendously in the last 5 months, she is not even the same child. I cannot even begin to tell you of all the ways she has grown. It actually brings me to tears to think of what she would have become had she stayed in the orphanage. She has  a hope and a future now. 

She can paint now

And even taste it if she wants to, AND love it!

She has a brother and a sister to teach her many things

She can sit in the middle of the yard with her brother, as he pretends to read to her

She can be brave enough to venture out into the yard to play in the sprinklers with brother and sister, and then decide she STILL does not like grass and have a mommy to run to.

She is now part of a family (she is giving him a hug)

She is sooo in love with her baby brother. She gets so excited when she sees him and yells loudly "ah-dah",  this is her universal word :). That is why he is crying, he was sleeping peacefully, then she yelled and woke him.

Kaylee is even starting to communicate more. Just now, she was sitting on my lap looking at the pictures and saw the outside ones and signed and said "outside" and more. 

Someone else is in love with her little brother. Malika wants to hold him all the time.

 Our little chunky boy. He is already 1 month old today.

Seth David

Things have been so busy and crazy around here. I wish I was a good blogger. I read  other blogs and the people are so funny and have wonderful captions for each picture. Oh, and they keep it updated. Well, that's not me. I wish it were, but it isn't. 

We had our new little baby, his name is Seth David. He is 4 weeks old today. Everyone loves him and all the little ones are adjusting pretty well to having him here. 

Our first family picture with all of the kids. 

These are his newborn pictures

I do have a lot to say, but I will have to come back and update more later.

Kaylee is doing great. She amazes me everyday. She is walking everywhere and has even started to say more sounds.

smart little cookie

The other night Kaylee fell asleep in the car and actually stayed asleep when we stopped. Usually she is such a light sleeper and wakes up very easily, but that night she didn't wake up, so I was able to watch her sleep. When I was staring at her, I just thought " how beautiful she was". It makes me wonder what her mom looked like and also makes me wonder what she would think if she saw her now. I just think she is so beautiful and smart. I wish her mom could see her and see that she is going to be something when she grows up.

I know I keep saying it, but Kaylee is just so smart. She has learned that when we go through a drive thru that means we get food and she just gets so excited and starts squealing. She has learned that if she refuses to eat vegetables, mommy might feel sorry for her and feed her something else. And if she keeps signing please, mommy will think it is so cute and give in to her and give her more to eat. 

Ok, seriously she is smart. Yesterday, she learned to sign "cheese" after I only showed her one time. Cheese and french fries are definitely her favorite foods. She doesn't really like fruits or vegetables, she still eats them though. I'm really not sure if she ever had fruit in the orphanage, she still makes a face when she eats them. She also loves bananas, but I'm not sure if it would be something she would request or if it is just because she eats so many of them. One day, I was thinking about it, and wondered why God only made one fruit that did not have to be cut up and was so easy for babies. 

I think she is loving this american life and is starting to show her independence and personality more. She knows what she wants and if she doesn't get it, she will definitely let you know. Sometimes, I think she knows she wants something, but either can't tell me what she wants or maybe she isn't sure what it is she wants, just knows it is not what I am doing. Last week, we were outside and she reaches up and grunts to be picked up, so I pick her up, then she wants down. Then she wants in her swing, then wants down. Then wants on the slide, then wants off. Finally, I just say "enough" and just let her figure it out on her own. 

She has figured out how to go up and down the stairs too. And has figured out that bedtime is not her favorite time. She used to be so easy to put to sleep and would not make a peep. Now, I let her climb up the stairs on her own, but she is so smart and when she figures out that it is bedtime, she slides all the way back down, with a huge smile on her face. 

For anyone wanting to know, she is doing so much better with eating. I do still sit next to her while she eats and have to keep a close eye on her, but it is still way better than it was. She does not usually shove her mouth full anymore and takes bites of things, even if they are bigger than I'd like. The last week, she has done pretty well on chewing, but goes back and forth. She is very good at her pincher grasp now, but still has to be reminded at times. 

I have a question for those with children with DS, do your children stick their tongues out when they eat? The OT said we really need to work on it, but she just isn't getting it. I know it is a common thing for DS, but really, is it all that necessary to do anything about it? It is kind of gross, but it isn't really bothering much. If I make her keep her tongue in her mouth, she does better about chewing, but I have to watch her like a hawk. It has only been about a week, should I just keep at it, or give it up for now? Oh, yeah, she sticks her tongue out when she is trying to swallow something.

This is how Justus woke up from his nap one day.

The kids wanted to play with the hose in the front yard, then Kaylee decided to just crawl in the muddy water, so I said "Oh well, have fun"

Kaylee has somehow figured out that she should smile when I get the camera out. 

 I love this smile.

 I know this picture is so blurry, but he is just too cute

 I put Kaylee in this pack and play so we could work on the bathroom floor and not have her into everything. She really does hate it, but with Malika and Justus joining her, she has a blast.