Kaylee has been part of our family for 5 months now. To say that these past 5 months have been hard, would be an understatement. It has been a rollercoaster, lots of ups and downs. We had many, many hard days in the beginning, then just hard moments, back to full on hard days. Then we finally got to the place of "yes, we can make it" rather than "please, God, help me make it, because I can't do this". Then all that came tumbling down when the baby was born. Thankfully, it did not take long to get back to where we were, but those first couple of weeks were sooo difficult.
I think because of the many hard times, I have not wanted to write on my blog. I didn't want to just put up a bunch of cute pictures with empty words and I definitely did not want to put it all out there, how hard this really was. I wanted to have it all together. I didn't want to look like a failure, I wanted to be like the many other adoptive parents and just completely fall in love with my child. I so wanted that love, but it wasn't there. Some days, I tried so hard. Other days, I failed miserably and did not even try, but cried instead.
I never once dreamed this would be me. I thought that I could love anyone. I didn't expect it to be so hard. When we went through our homestudy, our social worker asked so many questions about loving a child that was not biologically ours, my answers were all the right ones. Of course, I would love any child. It has always been easy for me to love the "least of these", my whole life, I "mothered" anything I could possibly get my hands on. So, why would this be any different.
I'm sure we will still have difficult days, but last week, I had a major breakthrough. I don't know how or why, but it just happened. I was at home with just Kaylee and the baby. And I played and spent time with just her. Strange, it just happened like that, I can't even explain it. I love her. I am so glad she is here with us.
Kaylee has changed tremendously in the last 5 months, she is not even the same child. I cannot even begin to tell you of all the ways she has grown. It actually brings me to tears to think of what she would have become had she stayed in the orphanage. She has a hope and a future now.
She can paint now
And even taste it if she wants to, AND love it!
She has a brother and a sister to teach her many things
She can sit in the middle of the yard with her brother, as he pretends to read to her
She can be brave enough to venture out into the yard to play in the sprinklers with brother and sister, and then decide she STILL does not like grass and have a mommy to run to.
She is now part of a family (she is giving him a hug)
She is sooo in love with her baby brother. She gets so excited when she sees him and yells loudly "ah-dah", this is her universal word :). That is why he is crying, he was sleeping peacefully, then she yelled and woke him.
Kaylee is even starting to communicate more. Just now, she was sitting on my lap looking at the pictures and saw the outside ones and signed and said "outside" and more.
Someone else is in love with her little brother. Malika wants to hold him all the time.
Our little chunky boy. He is already 1 month old today.