Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Why not? Ok, just kidding, I just couldn't think of a better title.

Yesterday, I tried to take my mind off of the stress with everything going on, so I found this cool blog, and made this tissue box cover. Well, it didn't really help me take my mind off the stress, but at least I got a cute tissue box cover out of it.

I woke up this morning with Priscilla on my mind. So, I got out this little dress that my friend, Judy gave to us for our little girl. It even has a cute matching baby doll outfit. I want her to wear it for her 2nd birthday. Please, oh please come home by your second birthday.
Even Justus wants her to come home to wear her dress.

Today has been so hard. I'm not sure what is going on right now. I will go re-mail the documents. All is not lost in that, I think. My heart is just really torn up. I tried to go shopping tonight, to see if it would help get my mind off our little girl, it didn't. Everywhere I turned, I thought of her.

I feel like I am pregnant and the doctor just told me they aren't sure how my pregnancy will end, they aren't sure if the baby will make it. And even if the baby does make it, I could be very overdue. I may never see her beautiful little face or hold her hand or look into her eyes. I love her beyond any words could ever say. I don't know how this has happened, when all I have of her is a picture. I just know it happened.

Unless God says in a huge audible voice to stop, we will keep trudging along, we aren't giving up. I don't think I can give up. But, in all honesty, I don't want to do this anymore. I just want my life back. There, I said it. Now, isn't that selfish of me.

I don't even want to go to bed tonight, because then I will just have to wake up tomorrow. Ok, I'm not depressed, just sad.


  1. Crystal, I feel so sad with you, but know that God cares for you and loves you and your family. God loves Priscilla more than we can imagine. Turn to Him for comfort and strength. Cast your cares upon him, for he cares for you! Lord bless you and give you patience!

  2. I well know the feelings of hopelessness and frustration. Our paperwork got lost between DHR and CIS and it took us three months to find out. Adoption definitely challenges our desire to be in control! Hang in there. I know trusting God is much easier said than done, but it us the only way to peace. He will get you through!

  3. Keep hanging on! And it sounds like that's what you plan to do. We were in process for over 18 months, so I know what you are feeling. Believe me when I say that EVERYTHING that you go thru will be so worth it. I just was praying over liza tonight and said I would do it ALL over again if I knew I would have her in the end- and I would. In a heartbeat :)

  4. Thank you to all of you praying. That means a lot to me. Gracie, it does completely change my perspective on being "in control", I didn't realize how much I just wanted to take charge on everything.
    Melissa- that means a lot coming from you. I have been reading your blog, and WOW! you sure have been through a lot. I will keep holding on. If only I could just take it one day at a time, it is just so hard doing that when I know a little one is sitting in an orphanage without me.

  5. Oh Crystal,

    My heart aches for you, because I know how you feel. I had many sleepless nights, cried millions of tears, and wanted to throw my hands in the air and walk away MANY times. I felt that I was doing what the Lord was wanting me to do, but my heart just couldn't take anymore. It seemed like we kept hitting every bump in the road and everyone else was just sailing right along. I spent many nights just praying that my babies would be in my arms where I knew they were safe. No matter how fast I tried to get everything done, God prepared the way when He wanted it to happen. In the end, ALL the tears, frustration, and sleepless nights were SO worth it. And looking back I thank the Lord for allowing it all to happen just the way it did.

  6. Oh Crystal, I love you and your heart and your family so much. Keep praying, keep studying the word, while you wait upon the Lord and He will lift you up. HE WILL! I have struggled with depression before and as I began to push myself to read His Word and try to pray - He lifted me out of that miry clay and set me back on solid ground. I can't speak about what will happen and what coarse this road will take, but I believe with ALL of my heart that God has beautiful purposes in breaking us sometimes and forming us into a new creation. His promise is that He will never leave us nor forsake us AND that He WILL work all things together for our good if we love Him and are called according to His purpose! Your heart for Priscilla is the Father's heart keep pursuing, keep pressing in, and know that He sees and He loves.